How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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