I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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