Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
