Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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