Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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