The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
