It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
