I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dear god my vagina.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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