Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
