Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
