can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
