I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
