I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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