I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
