oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
