Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
