Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
