i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
