your parents love me but you hate me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
