Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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