Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
