we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
