Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
