Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We need a shit load of segways right now
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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