my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
