I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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