Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
