you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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