I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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