I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
