What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
