Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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