Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
