dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
