at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
