Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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