I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can't turn off my feet"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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