I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
