I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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