you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can't put those talents on a resume
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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