Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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