omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
