can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
