i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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