how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
