Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
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Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.