i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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