rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
