i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
