i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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