plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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