Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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