Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
