I just saw a hot homeless man
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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