I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
